EATS, PUKES AND LEAVES

This is going to be a pathetically – or maybe mercifully, depending on whether you’re a fan of my writing – short blog. To be honest, I’m only really writing it because I liked the title. It is, of course, an homage to Lynne Truss, who rather cleverly wrote an entire book off the back of the title Eats, Shoots & Leaves. I, not so cleverly, haven’t.

Still, it’s passing a few minutes. A few minutes when I could potentially be eating. A few minutes, in fact, when I most definitely would be eating. You see, it’s that afternoon ‘need-a-sugar-snack’ kind of time and usually I’d be well into a family-size bag of Maltesers by now. Instead, I’m writing this. Oh yeah, I hear you cry, how do we know that’s true? Surely you’ve got your podgy little fingers in the fridge right now. Well actually, no, I haven’t. Actually, I have rather brilliantly used blogging as a way of distracting myself from food. Experts recommend distraction techniques to give yourself time to realise that you’re not really hungry and therefore have no need to eat. Distraction techniques like painting your nails – no good to me, of course, as I’ve already eaten them.

My sugar craving has now passed. I honestly think I might now be able to make it to dinner without snacking. By God, this blogging business is actually working. I’ve distracted myself and managed to step away from the food.

So, next time: Eats, burps and leaves.

Or perhaps: Eats, farts and leaves.

Or maybe just leaves.